Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
absolutely not
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I love wikipedia