I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”