GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water