Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”