Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space