It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet