Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee