[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
🍞🦆
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at