My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that