Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*