Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I was just discussing this with my cat
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs