Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I like long walks away from everyone
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.