Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Hello Twits.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Think I pulled my liver
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children