I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?