Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015