How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.