What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”