It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
(yawn)
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”