Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.