if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Rambo Rambow
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
umm…
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.