I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…