“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Close call…
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
LOL!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?