Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
*puts cutlery down*
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED