SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The pasta is now
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
back to work
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.