[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you