The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
This is my favorite one of these!
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
we all know this pain all too well
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.