“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.