I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
You Might Also Like
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.