mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant