I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You Might Also Like
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.