Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.