Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to