I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does