I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*