me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m giving up ice.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times