Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My plans: 2020:
time for some seasonal decor
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Monica just destroyed the internet
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.