A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
School be like
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
How much for the goth pool noodles?