KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster