Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia