Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.