Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?