Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You are what you delete.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.