“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
wait.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.