Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again