Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I did not eat the cake…
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.