Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time