Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?