[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.