*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
bury ourselves
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.