I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
You Might Also Like
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend